Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
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JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
that colleague who touches your screen
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.