Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
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Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
*cough*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.