I鈥檝e finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I鈥檓 44 & a total moron 馃檪
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I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn鈥檛 you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I鈥檓 adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man鈥檚 best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl鈥檚 cashier confused.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I鈥檒l be needing that in about 10 minutes
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I鈥檓 up!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.