My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
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Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog