BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
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At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.