That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
What my back needs
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again