That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
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God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.