That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
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Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Why is everyone getting married at me
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.