I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
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Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm