*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
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Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks