*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately![]()
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My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
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If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
tell em, edith-anne
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Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.