Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
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[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much