I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.