Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
so much to do
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Girl, same.