@shutupmay

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

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@NerishaLakha

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

@SavoirFail

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

@Michael1979

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

@SortaBad

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

@DrakeGatsby

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

@dixinormus10

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

@SaraThomas84

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

@ArfMeasures

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

@lawbsterfest

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

@markedly

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.