Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.


Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.


Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press


Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner


[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*


Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.


I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB


[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice


If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.


Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.