Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

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I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.


I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.


“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.


Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.


Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.


“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”


[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.



if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?


Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.


Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.