NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
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One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
A small tragedy.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.