NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
😂😂
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
this came to me in a vision
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Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors