Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”