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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.