probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
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Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
meow
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
ALEX TREBEK: well that鈥檚 important work you鈥檙e doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I don鈥檛 need extravagant gifts for Valentine鈥檚 Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
It鈥檚 like all of my wife鈥檚 friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it鈥檚 a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I鈥檓 as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
馃拃馃拃馃ぃ Why are we like this?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
It鈥檚 a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?