“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.