Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
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For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…