Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
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Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.