You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.