(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene