me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.