The legends speak of a third Duran…
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My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”