Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
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How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.