I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
This is amazing.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
This headline is a thing of beauty
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.