@awordforaword

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

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@Briidashian

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

@Jake_Vig

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

@noog

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

@Home_Halfway

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

@Angrea

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

@kimtopher22

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

@tastefactory

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

@OffRoadRnr

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

@UnFitz

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!