I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Biden: *picks nose*
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!