“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie