Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*