A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”