JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.