No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
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Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
the three branches of government
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?