I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
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Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?