Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
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I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Bed should get ready for ME
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.