[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
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how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
New tinder profile pic
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal