strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
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According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
🙂🐾
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
how to exercise your calf muscles
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
When you “pspspsp” too hard
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]