I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
#Caturday
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”