My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW