My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
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Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
When libraries troll their patrons.