Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.