HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…