Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
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I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.