I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
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morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”![]()
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day