I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
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My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’d love this…lol
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I’m having an out of money experience.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.