I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
My god she’s good.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..