The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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Danger is very dangerous
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity