Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.