Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit