You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
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When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
.. do you even science?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Did my cat write this
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?