I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I love you…
…r dog.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.