when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
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They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Finally!
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..