I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
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Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.