Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
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I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper