[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
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My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
#CatsOnTwitter
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
this is why you should always wash behind your ears