My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.