Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
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He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Body by Oreos
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar